The Flame Is Out: Here’s How To Get The Sexual Spark Back Into Your Relationship

Over time, people get busy and the sexy spark in the bedroom fades. If this is happening to you, here's how to get the spark back and wow your partner.

Too busy to get busy? Has time smothered the bedroom spark?

Between 30-60% of US couples go looking for love elsewhere when the fire begins to fade. But it's not too late to rekindle the flame and bring your relationship back into a golden age. You'll both have to work on it, but there steps you can take.

Below, we've put together some ideas on how to get the spark back into your relationship.


Don't think talking is sexy? Think again!

Talking about your problems is one of the most powerful things you can do in a relationship. It dispels tense energy and opens you both up to understanding. And your relationship in the bedroom stands to be one of the biggest winners from an open dialogue.

One of the first aims of talking it out should be to get your thoughts and feelings out in the open. If you feel your relationship has faded, be honest about it and start discussing why you feel that way.

As you share your opinions, make sure you're listening to your partner, too. You may discover your partner has harbored unknown resentments or wishes for a long time.

Talking can also reveal and dispel deep-seated insecurities and personal issues. That one thing you find embarrassing to the point it cripples your performance in bed may turn out to be something your partner has never even noticed.

By talking about these problems, you rob them of the power they find in silence.

Even beyond these practical outcomes of opening a dialogue, talking has benefits. Speaking on such a personal and intimate level creates a deeper bond between you both. This bond may have faded over the years, so talking can help to re-establish it.

Replace Passion with Intimacy

If you've ever set your mind to completing a task, you know discipline trumps inspiration every time. Inspiration is energetic yet fleeting. Discipline gets the work done.

There's a similar principle at work in the bedroom. Passion fades with time and age. As things become old hat and our bodies begin to slow down, that passionate flame begins to fade. But that's no bad thing if you have some equivalent of discipline to replace it.

In a relationship, intimacy can be that equivalent. Like discipline, it's harder to maintain and doesn't provide the same driving energy. But it's more subtle and more powerful for it.

Try slowing things down in the bedroom. Ease into it. Don't go in search of the quick hit. Instead, imagine yourself in your partner's body. Make them feel good as an extension of making yourself feel good. This isn't a race, it's a journey of sexual discovery. You're on that journey together.

To truly master intimacy, you need to set the scene before you even enter the bedroom. You might think planning out a night of intimacy will steal away its power, but the opposite is true--and it's another reason why intimacy wins over passion. Go into it slowly with an evening of closeness and affection.

 Make time for each other. It's the most valuable gift you can give. As you move into the bedroom, that intimacy will come with you.

Try Something New

Repetition is the death of passion. Passion is an energy of newness. You can only light a fire a few times using the same fuel.

Discovering new things is a way to recapture youthful energy and vigor--and not only in the bedroom. But there the spirit of discovery is at its most potent.

Coming up with some romantic sexual ideas together will breathe new life back into the bedroom. They don't have to be out there and adventurous if you're not that kind of person. There's no use trying to fit things where they won't fit, so to speak.

But newness is the key. Change up your routine, even if it's in subtle ways. That could be as simple as a change of position, or making love at a different time of day in a different room of the house. Break your own personal taboos, no matter how small and inconsequential they seem.

Relive Your Early days

Re-enacting the early days of your relationship can be a powerful way to rekindle past feelings.

Humans are nostalgic creatures. The comfort of an idealized past is a gateway to memory and revived feelings.

Try having another "first date". Revisit places you visited in the early days of your relationship. You may not feel the same now, but that's fine. It's not about rebooting the past, but reconnecting with it.

Retracing your steps will bring half-buried memories back to the forefront of your mind. You'll both begin to remember what it was that brought you together when you first started out.

 Once you've remembered there's something worth saving, you can begin to work on it together--the same way you tackled problems in the early days.

Seek Outside Help

Asking for help is one of the most powerful things we can do as human beings. It allows us to admit and accept our problems. And in doing so, we can get help from those with the experience we don't have.

Help for the fading flame of a relationship can take many forms. Counseling and sex therapy can bridge a communication and understanding gap between you.

You might need to address underlying medical and personal image concerns before you can bring that spark back. Issues like erectile dysfunction, size concerns (you can find out more here about male enhancement), or other sexually embarrassing topics might need a professional touch.


These tips should give you some ideas on how to get the spark back into your relationship. You'll both need to work together to make it happen and it might require some effort. But the rewards will be more than worth it when you bring the bedroom back to life and develop a deeper bond.

Looking for more relationship tips? Check out these 3 keys to relationship success.
Nancy Shaw

Hi. My name is Nancy. I am a nurse by profession and a writer by passion and ever since I became a mother, I’ve become very active in sharing useful and important information about basically anything under the sun and a full-time mother to a 21-month old boy. Read more about me here.

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